Processing Grief and its effects.
Processing Grief...
The past two weeks I have not felt like myself and I was already trying to process how to get back into feeling like exercising. I was exercising but I did not feel like doing it one bit. Then I got a call that hurts me thinking about and changed my thoughts on life.
My father was old and he was healthy enough for his age but some health complications caught up with him and he did not notice signs of issues and passed away. I got the call he was heading to the hospital and had passed by the time I arrived. I was hopping as I drove that he would pull through and my thoughts were racing about all sorts of things. I had things prepared so that I could stay at the hospital all night and I ended up saying good bye and heading back home a little bit lost. I was preparing myself for this call for a while as I said he was older and had a few health complications but I was not fully prepared for the emotions of things to hit me like they had.
I did not get sleep that night at all but I took the next day off and needed to clear my mind a little bit so I hopped on my bike and went for a ride.
Other Effects of grief.
Even after getting out on my bike and riding for a while I still have some issues sleeping. I do not have a problem getting to sleep but samsung started to alert me my HRV ( heart rate variability ) was off and I should work on reducing stress... Thanks Samsung I am fairly sure I know I am stressed. Also my sleep apnea machine has only last night finally had a reading of less than 1 event per hour. The rest of the days it was 2 or 3 events per hour which is not a whole lot but that means roughly that I stopped breathing 2-3 times per hour each time I was sleeping. This was all clearly due to the stress of everything. If you are wondering my mother was having issues for a while and she is fine but went to the hospital a few days later and got addmitted for observations so all the planning fell on my siblings and I. It was not a calming past two weeks and you can see the effects of the stress in the numbers in samsung health. I have not felt like exercising and have only gotten in a few walks other than the one bike ride. I have not been eating properly and have not gained any weight which is kind of a good thing.
Today I went on another bike ride and it was perfect. I was not fast, it was cold, and it was also raining out but even with that I was able to clear my mind and process things again. I let the feelings of the weeks wash over me and pushed through them by continuing the ride. When I got home from the ride my mind was a mess of things I did not get to say and my own personal problems but after my shower I came to the understanding that its all fine. I might not have said things I should have but my father knew I loved him and would tell me its fine. My personal problems are also not that big of a deal sure I might be a bit depressed but I am alive and want to be healthy so its not like I can't fix those problems. The only thing I can not fix myself is the sleep apnea and heart rate variability stuff. I will have to make sure to keep an eye on that and if things do not improve call my doctor and see if there is anything they are worried about. That is also something my mind has changed about, I always thought and still think that health is something you should take seriously. I do not want to end up missing something like my heart rate being weird and just thinking is stress when it very well could be something worse going on. I do not want to end up not waking up one morning because I ignored signs of an issue. I do not blame my father for missing signs its very common I just do not want to end up in the same situation. I am going to continue to put my pride aside and go to the doctor with questions about things that might be things I would shrug off a few years ago. To be clear the first change in my ideas about going to the doctor was when I had my daughter and I had some major stomach pains. Turns out that if I had done what I normally would have go home and take a hot bath and a nap I would be in a very different position today. If your appendix is about to burst the best place to be is the hospital not a hot bath. This situation just solidifies that I am correct and should go to the doctor and get seen for even things that might not be major issues. I am not a medical professional and my advice is to be seen by one and not try to deal with it on my own.
I am going to try to continue moving forward with the journey and focus mostly on cycling and getting myself back to thinking more clearly. I hope everyone reading this is in good health but if not hopefully you can get help for the issues you have and to feel better soon.
I am off to think about what is next for my days. I know I will be hugging and telling the people I love that I love them and processing my emotions in a healthy way by cycling and walking.Thank you very much for reading have and wonderful day!
P.S. I love you Dad and I will miss you for as long as I live.
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